One November, years ago, I asked my husband, Tom, to attend a writing retreat with me.
You may be wondering if my husband is a writer—he’s not. In fact, he has never expressed much interest in writing.
I asked him is to go mainly because I really, really wanted to go and the retreat was scheduled for some time we had already taken off. I thought he might say yes, even though he’s not a writer, because the retreat took place in the Pacific Northwest and the schedule allowed plenty of time to get outdoors and enjoy the beautiful surroundings.
I gave Tom a pamphlet about the retreat, told him I really wanted to go, and asked him to think about it.
A few days later he told me he would go. Yes!
“You know you have to submit a writing sample, right?” I asked.
“Yes,” he said. “I’ll do it.”
I left it at that and he submitted a writing sample, although I had no idea what it was.
When we got to the retreat center, we met the group and learned about the structure of the week. Christina Baldwin, our instructor, scheduled one-on-one appointments with each participant.
The next morning, I went off to meet with Christina. We discussed the writing sample I had sent her and she gave me her advice: “Just keep writing.”
I went back to my room and Tom asked how it went.
“Okay.” I shrugged.
He gave me a hug and went to meet Christina.
When he came back, he was lit up with enthusiasm. “This is the title of my first book,” he said, showing me his notes. “Christina says I have to tell this story—that the world needs to hear it.” He went on to tell me that they had also discussed his second book—and they had a name for that one, too!
I was happy for him—really, I was.
But…I was the writer. I was the one who longed to write a book, to be a published author. What about me?
That afternoon the retreat began in earnest. We listened to a lecture and were assigned buddies so we could critique each other’s writing.
I spent the rest of that day asking myself why I didn’t have an idea for a book yet, especially since my husband did! I knew I had to let my “compare and despair” thoughts go, or I would ruin the experience of the retreat for myself.
So what if Tom hadn’t declared himself a writer before this trip? He was having a great time and was as interested in the topics as I was.
Christina’s right, I do need to write more. I was interested in honing my craft and becoming a better writer.
By the next morning, I had regained my enthusiasm for the retreat and had an amazing week. It was heaven and my beloved was sitting right next to me. What could compare to that?
Diane MacKinnon, MD, is currently a full-time mother, part-time life coach. She is a Master Certified Life Coach, trained by Martha Beck, among others. She is passionate about her son, her writing and using her mind to create a wonderful present moment. Find her life coaching blog at http://www.dianemackinnon.com/blog.
Good for you in letting go of those negative emotions! That’s not an easy task to accomplish I reckon. But it’s wonderful to be able to be creative with your beloved and share a passion.. I’m glad it worked out for the both of you
Hi Intermittante,
Thanks for your comments. Yes, it worked out really well. It always does! Thanks for reading!
Warmly,
Diane
That was funny (to read, obviously not quite so at the time)! Well done for being so philosophical about it – it doesn’t take away from any of your writing ability. I feel the same about my husband and running. I train conscientously even in the depths of winter, try to heat healthily, do injury prevention exercises, read all the latest running magazines and so on… Then come late spring or early summer, we go for a run together (his first in 6 months or more) and he zooms ahead of me.
Is your husband still writing, by the way?
Hi MarinaSofia,
Thanks for your comments! Yes, I was able to recognize that my husband’s book ideas didn’t take away from the fact that I was a writer. I’m glad I got over my funk as the writing retreat turned out to be an amazing experience!
No, my husband hasn’t written a thing since that retreat. I showed him this post and he said he still thinks about the story and how he would write it, so maybe he’ll get to it one of these days.
Good for you for running through the winter. This winter wasn’t so bad, right? My husband and I both run and I’ve had the experience you describe, and it’s another place we could compare and despair–but your running has nothing to do with his running (even when you feel like your chasing him!)
Good luck with your running and your writing.
Warmly,
Diane
A very important story. But for me your happy ending masks something more important here.
You are a writer. You know this in your bones. Your experience at the retreat, Tom’s success, Christina’s approval or not, are all secondary to your understanding of who you are.
For me, Christina’s initial advice, “just keep writing,” is the essential message here. Just keep writing. After all, how can you not? You are a writer.
Thank you for sharing this story.
Hi onlyhereonlynow,
Thanks for your comments. At the time of this retreat, I still wasn’t entirely sure I was a writer. I was looking for outside validation that I was–which is why Christina’s advice was so disappointing to me, even before I heard about Tom’s book title. I started to own my identity as a writer at that retreat and now I’m very comfortable with that identity. I write, therefore I am a writer.
Warmly,
Diane
Thank you for sharing.
Hi sulamirela,
You are welcome! Thanks for reading!
Warmly,
Diane
I had to smile to myself as i read your post b/c I could imagine the very same thing happening to me if I took my husband to a writing retreat. My DH seems to be great (not just good) at everything he tries and there’s been so many times when I’ve given into the “compare and despair” trap. Thanks so much for reminding that there are different ways to respond!
Hi Margaret,
Thanks for your comments and thanks for reading. It’s easier to share these moments when I am, shall we say, less than my best self, when I realize that everyone goes through these kinds of experiences. It’s just part of being human, right?
Warmly,
Diane
wonderful post!
Hi Lakshmi,
Thank you! Thanks for reading.
Warmly,
Diane
This was an interesting post and one that rings true to many of us out here. I also think that Diane is a person who signed in to my website as a visitor some years ago. I was wondering who she was for quite some time. I don’t think I’d get my wife to go to a writer’s conference or retreat. She doesn’t think I am very good at this. Thanks Diane for your candid post.
Tim
timsfiction-art.com
Hi Tim,
Thanks for your comments, Tim. I checked out your website and I don’t remember seeing it before. I think maybe you are confusing me with someone else?
I am lucky my husband was willing to try something new with me–that is one of his best qualities.
Good luck with your writing.
Warmly,
Diane
What an interesting story, Diane. Though I have not considered taking my beau to a writing retreat (kudos to you for doing so!), I am often caught up in the “compare and despair” cycle when I spend too much time trying to measure up to the successes of my peers and even people I barely know.
Judging your work by comparing it to someone else’s is usually a futile exercise. The only work you should compare to is your own – how have you grown?
It’s so hard, though, to avoid comparison … even if it’s just done quietly, by way of a sidelong glance. We can’t help ourselves. It’s human nature. Wise, however, is the writer who can minimize the chance of such encounters and instead focus on her own journey.
Hi Jamie,
Thanks for your comments. Yeah, to compare is human. To judge is human. It’s only when we continue to believe our thoughts about the judgements and comparisons that we get into trouble. I guess I could have given up writing after that experience, but I’m so glad I didn’t. I just notice when I’m comparing and despairing, and then move on.
If you decide to ask your beau on a writing retreat, I’d suggest it’s in a beautiful part of the world with plenty of opportunities for him to do what he loves to do. Tom and I went ocean kayaking after the retreat and we ran together through the woods every day during the retreat. The pace of life there was so slow it almost didn’t matter what we were doing. There was plenty of time for it all.
Warmly,
Diane
Thank you for sharing this Diane. Not only did you overcome your negative thoughts, you were able to share something with your husband that could possibly draw you closer together, and perhaps have him better understand the “pull” of being a writer.
I have no doubt the advice “keep writing” must have felt like a letdown. Unless people are reading our works and we can see the success, we have very little “praise”… much like in a typical work environment where we might give our all, yet no one notices.
For myself, the lesson reinforced by your post, was exactly that. “KEEP WRITING”. I think it also touched that part of me that says “keep the faith” also. Loved this story.
Hi Food Forays,
Thanks for your comments and for reading. As much as those words of Christina’s were a let-down for me to hear (you were exactly right about that!), they were exactly the words I needed. Back then, I couldn’t imagine how much joy my writing would bring me.
Keep writing, and I will, too!
Warmly,
Diane
Thank you for the kind words, and for the personal response! I must apologize, I forget my blog name posts instead of my given name!
Thank you again,
Tami
I think it’s natural the green-eyed monster takes a bite (or at least a nibble) out of us now and again! As writers, it’s important to be observant of human behavior and equally important for us to be self-aware in emotional or challenging situations. It isn’t weaknesses or vulnerabilities that destroy us – it’s our unwillingness to acknowledge them. It takes strength to examine our “dark” side. You did that, put that monster back in its place, and shifted focus back to where it should be – coming out of the experience with new appreciation for the separate journeys of yourself and your husband. Keep on moving Diane! Good for you!
Hi Laura,
Thanks for your comments. I hadn’t thought about this the way you wrote, but I agree–it’s facing our own “dark side” that makes us grow. I write a lot in my Healing Choices blog about my defensiveness, because it’s the thing that stops me from feeling good the most. I’m trying to acknowledge when I do it so that I can change it. I think it’s working–but you’d really have to ask my husband to know for sure!
Thanks for reading!
Warmly,
Diane
Can you post the link to the blog? I’d like to check it out. Actually, I got the impression you were quite self-observant. It takes tremendous strength to be that honest about feelings that come from the ‘dark” side. None of us are impervious to them. They get ugly when we ignore them, when we go “with” them as opposed to taking a step back and asking ourselves difficult questions and coming up honest answers so we can move forward. Very potent message you are conveying, maybe deeper some may be thinking, going way beyond its application to writing.
Hi Laura,
My blog is http://www.dianemackinnon.com/blog and the post I mentioned is here: http://dianemackinnon.com/blog/?p=46
Thanks for your kind comments. I am trying very hard these days to be self-aware. I find that I am a happier person because I recognize that I am causing my own suffering and I can choose not to suffer by choosing not to believe thoughts like “I’m not good enough,” which we all have. Also, as a life coach I feel that I must “live it to give it,” so I can’t ask a client to change their thinking if I’m not doing my own work.
Warmly,
Diane
thank you for sharing this! I”m happy for my friend, really I am. I had preread her story and although I found it rather dull, I thought she had potential. she was angry at my critique, but later said I had given her valuable pointers. Her book is published and mine still isn’t, but they are completely different genres. I’ve had a mental struggle with the mixed emotions I feel. Again, thanks for sharing!!
Hi ellie mack,
Thanks for reading and for sharing your story. That sounds tough. I bet your friend used your comments to make her book better. That’s pretty cool, isn’t it?
Good luck with your book! Keep writing!
Warmly,
Diane
Thank-you for sharing this. It’s so easy to get caught up in Compare and Despare…what if…what if…I’m glad you were able to let that go and enjoy the experience….and how great to acknowledge “I was the writer.”
Hi Cathy,
Thanks for your comments. Yes, it turned out to be an amazing experience (and “keep writing” turned out to be good advice, too!)
Warmly,
Diane
Well told story. thanks for sharing! I could see the same thing happening to me. In my case, my husband is the better public speaker; I think I’m the better writer.
Hi glee,
Thanks for your comments. Happy writing!
Warmly,
Diane
Diane, our family members continue to surprise us, don’t they. How very wonderful that you and your husband had such a great week. Writer’s conferences are not really helpful to me, because of my injured face and somewhat impaired speech! This is why I love my online community of fellowwriters and editors and some publishers and life coaches and writing coaches.
Hi granbee,
Thanks for your comments. Yes, you never know. When I asked my husband to go on that writer’s retreat, I really didn’t think he’d go, but I wanted to go so I tried to sell him on it. I was so surprised when he said he would go. We were just talking about it recently (I showed him my post) and we both agree it was one of the best vacations we’ve ever been on together.
I’m glad you have found an online community to enjoy. It’s work to find your tribe, but it’s totally worth it!
Warmly,
Diane