I’ve talked before about trying to fit personal writing time in when you’re a mom with kids, work, a house, community obligations, and, well for me, anyway, an animal menagerie that also needs to be cared for.
Credit photo – Photosteve101
The short answer as to whether or not it can be done is: NO. It can’t.
And this week I came close to giving it all up. I mean, seriously, why work so hard?
Rather I would keep the tide back with a spoon.
I have been asked by more than one LITERARY AGENT!!! for a manuscript based on my queries. Do you know how lucky I was to even get their attention? And yet, I’ve not been able to give them anything.
I’ve been trying to get something completed since the beginning of summer. It’s now fall and while that little writing challenge did help me to move forward I’m still not done.
And it’s killing me. I mean really, it’s killing me. Anyone who knows me, knows that I want to move away to a tiny house and eat my morning cereal in my pajamas out in the garden while a rabbit looks on and then go inside to write what I want to write.
Oh sure the necessary stuff always gets done, those feature articles and marketing projects that bring in the much needed money. You can always find time for those, as do you for the blogs – including your personal ones, as well as for those blogs that have asked you to be a guest writer. After all, it’s an honor for someone else to ask you to write, (at no cost to them) isn’t it?
What it comes down to is that you can always find the time (sometimes even squeezed in between the beginning and ending of soccer practice) to write for others. What then usually happens is that at the end of the day, when the house is finally quiet, just like that V-8 commercial, you hit the side of your head and exclaim, “I could have written today!” But the truth is that there just wasn’t the time.
So what is the solution? I’d like to say that I know how to fix this problem but I can’t. Right now I’m smack in the middle of this mess fully realizing that my life is not what I thought it would be – or what I want it to be.
Baby steps. One thing I’ve realized is that if I don’t see my writing as a job, as something that could potentially bring in money; (just like any other job) then others won’t as well. None of my kids view my writing as something that is important. Part of that problem rests squarely on my shoulders, I have, since the first was a toddler, always been there for them. I put my career on hold to be a mom (not really a true statement, I still worked full time but I worked during naps, while they were out of the house, and at night in order to get the work done – and here’s the problem, I was so good at getting it all done that my “work” became invisible.) So now, as I try to get traction as a full time writer, my kids can’t make the adjustment to see me in that role. They interrupt me all the time to ask important questions like “mom, do you know where the nail clippers are?” One even put down on the school form that I am a “stay at home mom.” Forget that I’m a journalist, a marketing-content writer, and even that I have aspirations of living off of my writing someday.
I write from home and that makes me stay at home. I tell you, (she said, as she adjusted her tie,) I don’t get no respect.
And then I had an epiphany. Not to go zen on you, but
If one stays at home, one stays at home.
Which is why, my first step in “the big change” is to treat my writing as if it is the job I’ve always wanted it to be. There are lots of places outside of the home where I can go to write for the day (9-5 just like any other job.) There are coffee shops, libraries, and even open squares that offer tables and internet connectivity.
I don’t need much with regard to materials – a connection, a laptop,a phone, but I do need the time. The uninterrupted time and I’m only going to get it if I take it. Sounds selfish? Too bad.
Perhaps if I treat my writing as a job, a real job – my kids and others will also see it as something valuable. Maybe they’ll start seeing my writing as an important asset and not just something I crank out at home between sorting socks and planning dinners.
And who knows? If I treat my writing as a real job that needs to be done just as any other person’s job needs to be done, then perhaps not only will I be able to do my personal writing on top of my business and journalistic writing, but then also, maybe, just maybe my kids will be able to find the damn nail clippers by themselves.
***
Wendy Thomas is an award winning journalist, columnist, and blogger who believes that taking challenges in life will always lead to goodness. She is the mother of 6 funny and creative kids and it is her goal to teach them through stories and lessons.
Wendy’s current project involves writing about her family’s experiences with chickens (yes, chickens). (www.simplethrift.wordpress.com)
Your life is how you create it.
You have the answer already, to treat it as a job, for yourself. What would you do if you already had a contract from one of those publishers? Get up and work on it first, before anything else, and keep doing so every day until it is done. There needs to be a quantity goal (3 pages or an hour or 20 minutes or a paragraph) and eventually a self-imposed deadline — even if you can’t meet it and have to keep extending it, it creates a statement to yourself that you have this intention. You certainly have the gift!
Karen,
Have I told you lately that I love you?
Wendy
Thank you for writing this. I knew I was not the ONLY one who felt this way, but I really needed to read this. I am skipping a trip to the grocery store right now in order to stay home and write while my daughter is in pre-school. She will probably end up having a sandwich for dinner and I will end up feeing guilty, but I think I will feel worse if I don’t write.
Good for you. Nothing wrong with a sandwich every now and then.
Wendy
Wow. Oh can I relate. Since my two kids started school last week, I have been much happier in my writing life. I have tried fitting writing time into early mornings, after kids’ bedtime, and during school hours. I carved out a space in our detached garage and tried using that for a while (but it gets cold during Minnesota winters!)
A major portion of my writing is songwriting, which is best done at home with a piano or guitar & a tape recorder; so I can only use coffeeshops & other public places for working on lyrics, blogging and poetry. But I do use them – especially in the summer!
When there is no one else in the house for a solid chunk of time, I lock the doors and close up email and turn off phone ringers. Then the house magically transforms into a writing workplace. Otherwise, I agree with you – a working writer must go to work – somewhere else!
And just like any other parent with an additional job, we can’t expect (or allow our families to expect) that we will do all the domestic work ourselves. Maybe the rest of the family can pitch in more, maybe we need to hire childcare help or housekeeping help, or just lower our domestic standards, but something’s gotta give! (Along these lines, I highly recommend Laura Vanderkam’s book “168 Hours: You Have More Time Than You Think” – http://lauravanderkam.com/books/168-hours/)
Thanks for being open about your own experience. It’s so important to just keep going, even when we don’t have it all figured out. Best wishes to all you writers!
I once heard a metaphor that I love. When you are on a plane, and they are explaining how to use the oxygen masks, they tell you to put yours on first, and then help others. Far too often women, and especially mothers, don’t put their oxygen mask on. So, my friend, I support you in this. You may not be able to do it 9-5 every day, but if you can do it 15 hours a week, wow. And while I am great at giving others the advice, I am not great at following it and carving out time for my own writing. So oxygen mask time.
When you make your kids your entire life, they become your entire life. Unfortunately, they also grow up and move on with their own lives, not caring what you’re doing at that point. You need a life too. Being a mom means quality, not necessarily, quantity.
Look at it this way…if you “had” to go out to work (as a lot of moms do), there would be no choice in your hours or in not being at home. Kids would be in some sort of daycare or school and you’d be out of the house. Working at home should be no different. It’s all in what you make of it within yourself.
If you look at writing as a “hobby” rather than a job….everyone else will too, especially the kids. So, it’s up to you to find a corner in your home with a door on it…even if it’s one of those tv dinner trays in your bedroom…and, close the door and write. Tell everyone that you’re “working” and cannot be distrubed.
Look at J.K. Rowling who wrote her fortune on scraps of paper in a coffee shop. If you’re serious about it, you’ll find a way.
Actually, it’s not about disciplining the kids or finding the time as much as it is about you, taking your writing seriously enough to lay down ground rules for yourself. When you’re writing, you’re at work. You’re not a mom during that time frame. Once you’ve got that settled within yourself, you’ll find ways to get that time and make that time.
I give you a ton of credit. As women I think it’s still very tough to balance all that we want; some of us want to be mothers, but there is a cost to your own time and interests. We want to pursue goals but we also need to make money, and sadly in this day and age one income can barely afford to pay for rent, food, etc. While I completely agree that viewing your writing like a job is a step forward, I hope you also take a moment to realize all you’ve accomplished with your family and career. Maybe you can show your kids what you do and your talents. I think that support will really help you.
Good luck and thanks for sharing. I see tons of writers on blogs who are also mothers, wives and caretakers, who have work in and out of the home. Support is there if you need it.
I came to this same realization not so long ago. If anyone wants to earn a living as a writer, they need to treat it like a job and not a hobby. This applies no matter what your home or work situation is like! Once I came to that realization, I set up a daily work routine which includes writing, editing, reading, and networking/promoting. Writing is now my job… the paycheck is just going to arrive rather late in the mail!
Congrats on giving yourself permission. Heaps of gratitude for sharing.
Coffee shops have repeatedly saved my writing timeblocks for me over the decades! I suspect it started when I would write stories from my spelling words sitting in a corner of my parents’ restaurant as a kid! So thankful for that great start on my writing journey!
Thank you for this post! Your words validate so much of what I am also living and feeling. I work full time as a writer, counselor and as part of a community collaboration, and yet my husband and kids very much consider me to be a stay at home mom. They will give me lists of things they want done while they are out and I am “at home”. Your Declaration gives me pause. Could I really go out somewhere else to do my writing? You are making a commitment to value your own work as a real job, and I think that’s the key. Thank you for the well put reminder!
Wendy, I just want to reach through this screen and give you a huge hug.
I know exactly what you’re feeling – frustration, hurt, regret, bitterness, and just a touch of rage.
Hold onto that rage.
It’s the thing that will push you past the want-to’s and get you to the doing-it’s.
You are a warrior mama bear writer.
You fight for each member of your family, but now its time to put that protective passion to work for yourself.
You are just as important and deserve just as much.
Your writing is important. It deserves time and space to grow and evolve.
You will make a commitment and you will fail to meet it.
That’s ok.
Try again.
And again.
And again.
Each time you set your sights on the prize, your aim will get better and your resolve will get stronger.
Soon, you’ll be living a different life – one where your writing is not a side character or an afterthought, but the central core that holds everything else you are and everything else you do in orbit around it.
You’re an inspiration, Wendy. Never forget that.
Hug your neck for been such a busy body and trying to write!! I’m doing it. I’m a full time college student and single mom. I tend to the house, chores, errands, etc. Yet, I’ve written a children’s book over the summer and sent it in. It’s in publication right now as we speak. It’ll be out on the market in March. I’ve also written a young adult novel, granted it’s taken me three years to write it, but I’ve finally got it written. Now I’m working on editing. I’ve almost given up on my novel so many times, but a small voice in the back of my mind kept pushing me to keep at it.
Please don’t give up Wendy. I take a notebook with me everywhere I go, the store (standing in line during check out or the pharmacy), school, the dinner table, watching TV (if there is time for that), where ever, and just scribble stuff down. It’s about the only time I really get to myself. Or a few minutes before bedtime. I’ve felt your frustration many, many times before. I’ve cried many, many times. But somehow I found time to write. Just don’t give up. You’ll find your time. Big hugs!
[...] This is me making a declaration – deal with it. [...]
I found myself nodding in agreement (and clicking my tongue in frustration, and reflecting your own anger) with every sentence of your post. In fact, it took me a while to reply, I was so worked up about it.
I am trying to run my own business, plus have 2 primary school children, plus writing, plus organising our lives here as expats (you need to make more of an effort socially and bureaucratically in an unfamiliar environment). No matter what I focus on, another aspect of my life will suffer as a consequence. I am trying to let go of perfectionism, I am trying to put my writing first (because it really is that important to me). But I think I need to accept that guilt will always be part of the process.
Thank you for being so honest – and thank you to everyone who commented. I am not alone.
Reblogged this on tiffanyiswriting.
I write part-time and work remotely part-time (event planning for a company). I find the only way I can perform both in a day is to separate the two.
*** Each morning I leave home and go to a coffee shop where I write. At noon I come home, make myself lunch, then go into my office and shut the door. When I emerge for dinner my writing is done, my work is done, and even if there is more to do (as there always is) I leave it alone until the next day. ***
What I have just described is how I TRY to operate. I fail daily… but I know if I could just stick to the structure it would work. Some days it does and it feels good. Others are a jumble of multi-tasking and not knowing which way is up.
So here I sit (in my office) – trying to stick to the plan (even though I should be at the coffee shop) – and wondering if I spoke the paragraph aloud it would magically become a reality?
Oh GO FOR IT! GO FOR IT! Yes, it is your job and you have the voice. Just get thee out there to the coffee shop this instant.
Thank you for this post.
Oh yes, i can relate to this! I know how you feel, since leaving a full time job and trying to be self employed from home, suddenly I no longer have any time to actually work. Whereas before I left the house at 8 and got home at 6, now it seems there are hundreds of chores that can only be done in the house within those hours that MUST be done. Who did them before?
I just recently found this blog and I think it is my favorite! Your post just made me look to make sure that I was following! I love your writing style! I think that I could sit here and soak up every piece that you have written until you are scratching your head wondering why this “newbie” is commenting on something you wrote way back last April! But I want to inspire you as a writer not yet discovered and much older than you, don’t let go of that golden ticket you seem to have found! (YOU obviously earned it!) And remember my dear…. that tomorrow THESE will be “The Good Old Days” so even though there is chaos all around you, enjoy it while it last because soon enough you will have the “quiet” more often than not and look back wishing you would have enjoyed the noise and they days when you didn’t have two seconds to write let alone think. From the likes of this wonderful piece you have written that grabbed my attention, and kept me rivited to the very last word…. you’ve still GOT it!
[...] already covered certain aspects of why it is so difficult and yet, vital, to adhere to this rule here. The more I think about it, the more I am baffled by why is it so much easier for me to adhere to a [...]
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